< Back
Author's Note: I'm sorry this is so unfinished. I will try and post a full story later on. Thank you!
Xander Orion contemplated the beauty before him with a detached avarice. The planet seemed nice enough, covered as it was with lush jungle and soaring peaks. Exotic clouds in various shades of orange wreathed the unfamiliar planet in a halo of gold light, which was visually appealing if hard to photograph. Orion sighed. This was an excellent business prospect - prime location, beautiful vista. There was just one problem.
The natives.
When he had bought up this quadrant of the galaxy, he had been expecting mainly uninhabitable planets which could be turned into industrial plants or stars that could be used as energy cores. Perhaps the occasional diamond in the rough to be used as a tourist trap. And this one would satisfy that last very well if it weren’t for its humanoid inhabitants. Orion could see the reasoning behind not exterminating humanoid species but damn it, he was not going to lose this opportunity because a bunch of primitive savages beat him to it.
“Danger factor: 6,” beeped a robotic voice from the dashboard of his small, private space cruiser. “With all due respect, sir, landing on an unfamiliar planet inhabited by a potentially hostile species is a very bad idea.”
“Cancel all my appointments today, Ethel,” Orion replied, ignoring the AI’s advice. He grabbed his transmitter, a canteen of Space-Ade (purified liquid that was consumable to over 60% of the galaxy’s humanoids, and perpetually 'on sale' for only 3 credits a bottle! Get yours now! *Catchy theme music*), and his blaster pistol. He didn’t know how to actually use the damn thing, but he felt better having it.
“Watch the ship while I’m gone, Ethel,” he added as the ship pulled closer to the forested surface of his planet.
“Sir, I am an artificial intelligence programmed into this ship, and as such I-” whatever the ship had been about to say was interrupted by a loud rumbling noise as all his screens went dark. His ship’s connection to the source of power in the civilised universe was being disrupted by this planet’s atmosphere. In short, he was facing a bumpy landing.
Well, that was inconvenient.
A stunning panorama of alien flora was presented to Orion as he plummeted to the ground. It sure was lovely - perhaps he could use this hurtling sketch of the planet as a feature, not a flaw? The calls of various avian creatures filled the air as their startled forms fled the impending collision. That was a selling point, too.
CRASH! Sending up debris for quite some distance, his pod smashed into the forest floor. When the dust cleared, he remained hesitantly inside for several minutes before slowly exiting into a new world.
Juxtaposed against the commotion of the crash, the silence and stillness was oppressive. Orion glanced around at the lush, exotic foliage around him. High above in the canopy, a curtain of green and blue obscured the sky from view. The underbrush was a tangle of creeping vines bursting with tubers and flowers and fruit and things Orion couldn’t even identify. As he trudged out of the ruins of his ship, the sharp, bright metal stood out starkly against the springy ground. Tickling his nose, a breeze brought unknown scents, reminiscent of a tropical rainforest but somehow strange. Slowly, cautiously, the avian creatures began to settle back in the trees, bright feathers rustling in the zephyr.
Orion sighed. Well, as nice as this place was, he had a meeting at 0800 Galactic Standard that he would rather not miss. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the transmitter he kept for emergencies - it had batteries (the primitive thing), so the power disruption wouldn’t affect…
Something was scrambling his signal. Something was scrambling his signal! But that was impossible… the only inhabitants of this planet were primitives… it just didn’t make sense…
For once, Orion felt uncertainty stirring, but he pushed it down. Slowly, his eyes swept the wreckage as he attempted to take an inventory of his supplies. What did he have?
Nothing, as it turned out.
Agitated, he began to turn slow circles around the clearing. This kind of thing wasn’t supposed to happen to him! He was famous, rich, powerful! He wasn’t supposed to end up marooned on some stupid backwater with no resources… except for some berries.
They were small, bright green, and shiny. Orion snatched one eagerly, scoffing it in one bite and reaching for another. They tasted sweet… sickly sweet… almost like… sleeping syrup.
Orion crumpled to the ground.
As he drifted in and out of consciousness, Orion heard a jumble of garbled voices. Faces swam above him, wavering in his vision. What was going on? Who were these people? He struggled to awaken through the thick haze the berries had left upon his mind. Finally, he managed it.
“Foreigner,” said a thickly accented voice. “Tell me; why were you flying so close to our planet?”
When he tried to speak, his voice came out as a croak.
There was a sigh from somewhere just beyond his peripheral vision. “I suppose you should recover your strength first. But we of the jungles are not fond of trespassers.”
We of the jungles… not fond of trespassers… the inhabitants of this planet were the ones who caused his ship to crash. This was getting better and better. A hand stretched out towards him, holding a cup of water which he took gratefully.
Suddenly, an imperious female walked into the room. A circlet of what appeared to be wood nestled upon her head. She had a commanding aura about her, accentuated by her extreme height - apparently this race was on the larger side, and Orion felt slightly dwarfed. With no preamble, the woman barked, “I would like to know what it is that you think you are doing on my planet.”
Great.
“Um…” How to phrase this? “It… wasn’t exactly by choice.”
“Obviously. It’s nice to know that our defensive systems work, but that isn’t the reason you’re here.”
“Defensive systems?”
Her eyes narrowed. “Yes. Apparently there’s been talk of some upstart real estate agent buying our planet. Can you believe that? As if they had the right!”
“That was before I realised that you had a civilization!” Orion blurted. Damn. They would kill him for sure.
“You…” her eyes widened in rage.
*There’s a break in the story as I realise I won’t have time to finish it*
ORION: Excuse! Platitude! Please don’t kill me!
CHIEFTAIN: But you’re trying to sell my entire planet on the galactic property market.
ORION: Runs away. *Attempts to survive in the wilderness* *Almost runs headfirst off a cliff within about three minutes* NOOOO!
CHIEFTAIN: Wow, this guy is an idiot. Well, I guess we oughta save him.
ORION: Thank you! I’ll do anything-
CHIEFTAIN: Well then. If you can convince your superiors to not sell our planet, consider your debt repaid.
ORION: Fine. *Goes back home.*
ETHEL: Sir, you have mail.
ORION: Not right now. Can’t a man get a minute of peace?
ETHEL: But, sir, it’s tagged as important.
ORION: Fine, you insufferable AI.
ETHEL: You’ve been fired.
ORION: Well, I’d like to think of that as a temporary arrangement. You see, I have powerful friends now and I doubt they’d want to let this get in the way of their plans. *Writes angry letter to boss*
BOSS: *Reads the letter* What do you mean, powerful friends?
CHIEFTAIN: Left a little bit...
*A homing missile crashes directly into Orion's boss's desk*
ORION: That's what I mean...
Xander Orion contemplated the beauty before him with a detached avarice. The planet seemed nice enough, covered as it was with lush jungle and soaring peaks. Exotic clouds in various shades of orange wreathed the unfamiliar planet in a halo of gold light, which was visually appealing if hard to photograph. Orion sighed. This was an excellent business prospect - prime location, beautiful vista. There was just one problem.
The natives.
When he had bought up this quadrant of the galaxy, he had been expecting mainly uninhabitable planets which could be turned into industrial plants or stars that could be used as energy cores. Perhaps the occasional diamond in the rough to be used as a tourist trap. And this one would satisfy that last very well if it weren’t for its humanoid inhabitants. Orion could see the reasoning behind not exterminating humanoid species but damn it, he was not going to lose this opportunity because a bunch of primitive savages beat him to it.
“Danger factor: 6,” beeped a robotic voice from the dashboard of his small, private space cruiser. “With all due respect, sir, landing on an unfamiliar planet inhabited by a potentially hostile species is a very bad idea.”
“Cancel all my appointments today, Ethel,” Orion replied, ignoring the AI’s advice. He grabbed his transmitter, a canteen of Space-Ade (purified liquid that was consumable to over 60% of the galaxy’s humanoids, and perpetually 'on sale' for only 3 credits a bottle! Get yours now! *Catchy theme music*), and his blaster pistol. He didn’t know how to actually use the damn thing, but he felt better having it.
“Watch the ship while I’m gone, Ethel,” he added as the ship pulled closer to the forested surface of his planet.
“Sir, I am an artificial intelligence programmed into this ship, and as such I-” whatever the ship had been about to say was interrupted by a loud rumbling noise as all his screens went dark. His ship’s connection to the source of power in the civilised universe was being disrupted by this planet’s atmosphere. In short, he was facing a bumpy landing.
Well, that was inconvenient.
A stunning panorama of alien flora was presented to Orion as he plummeted to the ground. It sure was lovely - perhaps he could use this hurtling sketch of the planet as a feature, not a flaw? The calls of various avian creatures filled the air as their startled forms fled the impending collision. That was a selling point, too.
CRASH! Sending up debris for quite some distance, his pod smashed into the forest floor. When the dust cleared, he remained hesitantly inside for several minutes before slowly exiting into a new world.
Juxtaposed against the commotion of the crash, the silence and stillness was oppressive. Orion glanced around at the lush, exotic foliage around him. High above in the canopy, a curtain of green and blue obscured the sky from view. The underbrush was a tangle of creeping vines bursting with tubers and flowers and fruit and things Orion couldn’t even identify. As he trudged out of the ruins of his ship, the sharp, bright metal stood out starkly against the springy ground. Tickling his nose, a breeze brought unknown scents, reminiscent of a tropical rainforest but somehow strange. Slowly, cautiously, the avian creatures began to settle back in the trees, bright feathers rustling in the zephyr.
Orion sighed. Well, as nice as this place was, he had a meeting at 0800 Galactic Standard that he would rather not miss. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the transmitter he kept for emergencies - it had batteries (the primitive thing), so the power disruption wouldn’t affect…
Something was scrambling his signal. Something was scrambling his signal! But that was impossible… the only inhabitants of this planet were primitives… it just didn’t make sense…
For once, Orion felt uncertainty stirring, but he pushed it down. Slowly, his eyes swept the wreckage as he attempted to take an inventory of his supplies. What did he have?
Nothing, as it turned out.
Agitated, he began to turn slow circles around the clearing. This kind of thing wasn’t supposed to happen to him! He was famous, rich, powerful! He wasn’t supposed to end up marooned on some stupid backwater with no resources… except for some berries.
They were small, bright green, and shiny. Orion snatched one eagerly, scoffing it in one bite and reaching for another. They tasted sweet… sickly sweet… almost like… sleeping syrup.
Orion crumpled to the ground.
As he drifted in and out of consciousness, Orion heard a jumble of garbled voices. Faces swam above him, wavering in his vision. What was going on? Who were these people? He struggled to awaken through the thick haze the berries had left upon his mind. Finally, he managed it.
“Foreigner,” said a thickly accented voice. “Tell me; why were you flying so close to our planet?”
When he tried to speak, his voice came out as a croak.
There was a sigh from somewhere just beyond his peripheral vision. “I suppose you should recover your strength first. But we of the jungles are not fond of trespassers.”
We of the jungles… not fond of trespassers… the inhabitants of this planet were the ones who caused his ship to crash. This was getting better and better. A hand stretched out towards him, holding a cup of water which he took gratefully.
Suddenly, an imperious female walked into the room. A circlet of what appeared to be wood nestled upon her head. She had a commanding aura about her, accentuated by her extreme height - apparently this race was on the larger side, and Orion felt slightly dwarfed. With no preamble, the woman barked, “I would like to know what it is that you think you are doing on my planet.”
Great.
“Um…” How to phrase this? “It… wasn’t exactly by choice.”
“Obviously. It’s nice to know that our defensive systems work, but that isn’t the reason you’re here.”
“Defensive systems?”
Her eyes narrowed. “Yes. Apparently there’s been talk of some upstart real estate agent buying our planet. Can you believe that? As if they had the right!”
“That was before I realised that you had a civilization!” Orion blurted. Damn. They would kill him for sure.
“You…” her eyes widened in rage.
*There’s a break in the story as I realise I won’t have time to finish it*
ORION: Excuse! Platitude! Please don’t kill me!
CHIEFTAIN: But you’re trying to sell my entire planet on the galactic property market.
ORION: Runs away. *Attempts to survive in the wilderness* *Almost runs headfirst off a cliff within about three minutes* NOOOO!
CHIEFTAIN: Wow, this guy is an idiot. Well, I guess we oughta save him.
ORION: Thank you! I’ll do anything-
CHIEFTAIN: Well then. If you can convince your superiors to not sell our planet, consider your debt repaid.
ORION: Fine. *Goes back home.*
ETHEL: Sir, you have mail.
ORION: Not right now. Can’t a man get a minute of peace?
ETHEL: But, sir, it’s tagged as important.
ORION: Fine, you insufferable AI.
ETHEL: You’ve been fired.
ORION: Well, I’d like to think of that as a temporary arrangement. You see, I have powerful friends now and I doubt they’d want to let this get in the way of their plans. *Writes angry letter to boss*
BOSS: *Reads the letter* What do you mean, powerful friends?
CHIEFTAIN: Left a little bit...
*A homing missile crashes directly into Orion's boss's desk*
ORION: That's what I mean...